nikandjune.com

2011-03-03T09:46:00.000-08:00

Boy, it's kinda funny: the 1st amendment defends Larry Flynt of Hustler & Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist "Church" in the exact same way.

Kinda puts your "religion" in perspective, doesn't it, Freddie?

2010-10-26T21:10:00.001-07:00

If these AFL/CIO union idiots are soo worried about the working man, why do they have a machine keep dialing my house about Jerry Brown instead of hiring an out of work person to do it?

2010-08-29T12:12:00.000-07:00

Looking back on over ten years of nikandjune.com it's crazy how things have changed. Everyone has a photo page, a Facebook page, a MySpace page, a YouTube page, etc. In 1999 it was just a hobby for me that June tried to ignore; now she's the one running the Facebook page and complaining how long it takes for me to get pictures up! So as you can see (if you are here from nikandjune.com) I have decided to change nikandjune.com to a collection of our family's presence on the web. I am still working to bring back hobby pages (now the motorcycle and the Jeep) as well as some of our old projects (like the pop-up). I am also (slowly) moving the old blogs and links to this new format. As you look around I've used parts from Picassa, Blogger, YouTube, and Facebook. I have kept my daily "Reading List" as well.

2010-06-15T07:34:00.000-07:00

From CNN: "President Obama says it will take time, but he's confident the Gulf Coast will eventually be in 'better shape than it was before' the BP oil disaster." Didn't Bush say the same thing after Katrina? Boy, this place is going to be great! People must be flocking there in droves!

BP Spills Coffee

2010-06-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

This just really sums it up, doesn't it? I heard someone on the radio a day or two describe the BP oil spill perfectly: "The best thing that ever happened to Toyota."

2009-11-27T14:11:00.000-08:00

Just a quick reminder: this is the governor of California.

Wow.

2008-02-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

Can't you see these two outside of your local Wal*Mart with a sign that says, "Will work for food?" I know, I know, and I like Bill Clinton but how do you not burn a picture like this? Who would have thought that the one time leader of the free world was once a stand-in for the Geico caveman?

2007-09-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well, after a long hiatus (almost two years) I've dug back into the website to get it going again. There are some small changes but it is mostly a cleanup and update. One thing I did remove was the "terrorist update" section. While I thought it was great to poke fun at King George's "let’s go to level red!" brand of keeping the people nervous I just could get over how much weirder and ridiculous real life was getting compared to my spoof. After watching the situation deteriorate over the last 18 months I've decided that maybe the terrorists aren't the scary side of this little match up.

So after all the lies about "Weapons of Mass Destruction^TM!" I am wandering through Target and what do I see? Ready? Liquid Aircraft remover! A genuine "Weapon of Mass Destruction^TM!" Right there in the automotive aisle!

I snapped this covert photo but did not have time to read the details. I can only assume that you squirt a little of this stuff on a passing 737 and voom! it's gone. Based on what I could pick up from the label you can't even smell where the plane was!

Needless to say I'm not sure that we've been closely observing Target well enough. I started to look around, carefully evaluating what I say and how it could affect our National Security. 1st thing I noticed; lots of people wearing shoes. As the TSA has taught us; "No place can be truly safe if people are allowed to keep on their footwear". Also, they had aisles and aisles of nail clippers.

Ok, I didn't actually find any additional "Weapons of Mass Destruction^TM but I did locate this gem. In the 2-6 year old section, next to the Rubik's Cube (Rubik's cubes for a 2 year old?)

There is nothing I can say about this one that you can't explore on your own. The kid's demented expression, whatever the object he is holding and, presumably preparing to subject the dog to, the poor dog himself, etc. This is just wrong in a way that Bratz and Barbie could not even begin to conceive of in a million years.

2005-12-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

Wasn't it just a few days ago that I was noticing the striking similarities between Mel Gibson and Saddam Hussein? Well, now apparently he is running for Governor (Mel Gibson that is, not Saddam Hussein). I'm pretty sure this is the part where I say, "Well it just can't get any weirder than this..."

Waiting...

2005-12-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one that is getting a little freaked out at how much Mel Gibson is looking like Saddam Hussein? If just me say something and, hey, I'll shut up, but you have to admit that the similarities are a little creepy. I hear that Saddam is working on an independent film, in an obscure Swahili dialect, about the ancient Sirius dog-world invasion or something. Ok, probably not true but take a good look at those pictures again. There's something to this, just wait.

Ok, for the entertainment of people who know me (and for the confusion of those who don't): the Carver House is for sale! Click here to read the flier (Adobe Acrobat format). While it looks like they've done some work on it since the early 90's, I really hate moving, so I think I'm going to have to pass. Wonder if the tombstone is still in the back yard, holding up the air conditioner?

A few more pictures, these are from our foray into the local pumpkin patch for Halloween. Apparently, these people are also the Christmas tree people (go figure) and they just decided that Christmas decorations in a pumpkin patch look mighty fine. Taking a close look there is a pretty good argument that Santa and Frosty are sitting on the pumpkins, waiting for them to hatch. Meanwhile, we have Spiderman on his perch, looking down a this whole scene. Don't know what he thinks of the pumpkin Christmas. I have to assume that they were just being lazy, or perhaps they loaded the Christmas decorations into the trailer last, so they had to come out to get to the pumpkins, no where to put them, etc. etc. I don't know.

This must be where the Grinch stole Halloween. Sure, he had the Christmas-thing going, but things are slow on the mountain above Who-ville the other eleven months of the year, so he is looking to diversify. Judging from his pronounced lean, he is also drinking heavily. If you look closely, there are actually two Grinches; no word on if they are competitors or are working toward a common goal, whatever that might be.

As I look on this scene, I'd like to take a moment to reflect on the season: There are now often arguments about having religious images in public places (i.e. Merry Christmas instead of the bland, "Happy Holidays!", nativity scenes on the courthouse lawn, etc.) The people who make these arguments are mostly trivial and stupid, but they see themselves as foot soldiers and a weird, undeclared battle against a God that they say they don't believe in, so good luck with all that. But with the "Haunted Christmas Halloween Pumpkin Forest and Spiderman Bounce House" people, I'll make an exception: I am glad they didn't have a nativity scene: picture the dogmatic train-wreck they'd come up with. Having said that, we will probably be back there later this week, for our Christmas tree. I wonder if they give trade-in credit for the pumpkins we bought in October?

2005-11-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

I have to start today out with a serious link:
SaveTookie.org. I've been reading about Stan Tookie Williams for a few days, and think it is worth looking into. The short version of the story is this is one of the founding members of the Crips who is scheduled to be killed by the State of California in a few weeks. He has been in prison for four murders since the early 1980's. After an extended time in solitary confinement, he seems to have realized what he has done wrong and, tried to do what he could be invoke a positive change in the world.

Now, anyone who knows me or has read more than half a dozen lines of this website can probably guess that I am not a fan of the death penalty. I would be against this senseless (state sponsored!) act of violence even if this guy sat on death row for 25 years giving the victim's families the finger. Killing people is wrong. So I'm not claiming to be unbiased. However, the usual and routine failing of our system of punishment is that people emerge from it no better (and often worse off) than they came into it. This guy has decided to take what little life he had left, and see if he could help others be educating them about the dangers of the life he lived, and to try to undo some the very system of gangs that he helped to organize. There is also an argument about fairness in his trial, etc. but his self-reformation is what caught my attention.

He has exhausted the appeals process and the execution is scheduled for December 13th. The effort is now being placed on encouraging Gov. Schwarzenegger to grant him clemency (i.e. he will not be executed but will remain in prison for life). Interesting side-story to this is that Tookie and the Governor seem to have met when they were both body builders on Venice Beach in the 70's. Arnold apparently admired Tookie's arms. Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction...

A quick side note: I went looking for links (on both sides) to finish this up with, and was surprised to find that the ratio of "Save him" to "Kill him" was strongly in favor of sparing his life. If people are 60-something percent in favor of the death penalty (as the news was touting a night or two ago) seems like that makes this an astonishing case, doesn't it?

2005-10-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

I know that Starbucks coffee is getting a little pricey, but are we really prepared to take out a payday loan to pay for a Frappuccino®? This photo was taken (on my almost-dead, old, 2 megapixel camera, sorry) at the Chowchilla Starbucks, just off highway 99 here in California. It is sharing a building (a former Burger King) with one of those "Payday Loan" places. I didn't go inside, but here is what I'll bet you could hear at the counter:

"Yes, Bob, but if I want to get the Double Frappuccino® today, I'm going to need a little help..."

Sick world, ain't it?

In other news, there is a baby in the house. I assume he is no longer under house arrest, since they removed the "Martha Stewart Security Accessory" from his ankle before we left the hospital. (A side note: I did ask what would happen if I tried to shoplift my own baby with this particular device attached. I was informed that alarms sound, the "outer perimeter doors" lock, etc. etc. No wonder Martha stayed home. Also, hospital employees get really nervous when you start asking questions like that.)

So everyone is home, happy, and healthy. We did have a boy (June was right, I was wrong). He was 7 lbs., 15 oz, and 19 inches.

2005-10-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

I can't help but notice that I start these new months with an excuse for why I haven't updated in a while. What is my latest excuse? The upcoming baby; shown to the left here. I admit, it is a sad situation, especially when there are so many important stories that are not being mentioned in the media, like how the Japanese Mafia were behind hurricane Katrina. I realize this didn't get a lot of attention on those bigger, supposedly more important websites, but I thought you should know.

Since most of the politically wrangling that has been going on in the last few weeks is utterly pathetic, I'll do a bumper sticker I saw yesterday instead: "Politicians and diapers need to be changed for the same reason." The pickup truck that sported that tidbit had several others but I thought that one said it all with it's simplicity.

Ok, what else have we got here: iPods, people gettin' blown up, and China is still communist. Also, Starbucks coffee has hit $14 a gallon here in Modesto, so I may have to start drinking gasoline (well, it is cheaper).

2005-08-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, someone at AOL must be proud: they've been named the Most Infected Network on Internet. I admit that the article is short, boring, and technically about networks in Europe but as you are well aware, I love a good headline.

I'm supposed to be working on my house today but I am suffering from a total lack of enthusiasm. Squirting caulking on baseboards does not have the interesting aspects of, say, Pulp Fiction in 30 seconds, re-enacted by bunnies or the heartwarming story of this couple. Still, sooner or later my wife is going to get back from the store, and find me goofing off, so I gotta get back to the baseboards.

2005-08-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

The other day I was driving back from San Rafael (so I had a lot of time on my hands) and I was listening to a recent podcast of the Randi Rhodes Show. Now normally I enjoy Randi's show. As a once devoted liberal (who has found himself drifting to the center as I age) I hear in Randi the spirit and soul of the leftist roots. What I heard on this show (which was a repeat "best-of" show) was Randi going on and on about being vindicated by the autopsy reports on Teri Schiavo while at the same time doing some weird, wailing, litany about the people who tried to prevent the removal of her tube. (Note: Randi Rhodes and I are on opposite sides of this argument, but stay with me for the greater point). I finally had to turn it of as the show spiraled down into smaller and smaller cycles of victory and anger. It did get me thinking about the more general topic of how people view the political arguments of life and death.

As I see it, there are four basic types of death that are regulated by law: Euthanasia, Abortion, War, and the Death Penalty. Each one has people who favor death or life for each instance. Each side has it's own fun labels: If you are for abortion you are "Pro-Choice" 'cause "Pro-Death" would not go over well. We speak of "lethal injection" because "we're a-gonna poison him!" doesn't play well with some folks. Even in mortality you don't want to skimp on good, solid marketing. It gets even dumber with war; the same guy could be a bloodthirsty war-monger, devoted freedom fighter, terrorist, or heroic soldier depending on what newspaper you pick up in what part of the world. Sometimes the occurrence of death itself can change your name tag: "They got a lucky break. Yesterday they were just two German clerks; today they're the Honored Dead." (Always thought that was a great line; never thought I'd get to use it anywhere).

On to my point. Both sides claim to be great fans of life in their own ways. I can't help but notice that if an awful lot of people seem to fall into two camps:

Camp 1: Euthanasia is wrong, Abortion is wrong, War is right, & the Death Penalty is right.

Camp 2: Euthanasia is right, Abortion is right, War is wrong, & the Death Penalty is wrong.

I would like to propose that both of these common schools of thought are, well, dumb as dirt. You either think that life is a good idea, or you don't. Quit trying to cherry-pick your flavor of mortality morality. Here are the groups that should exist (I'm going to make them both "pro" groups...remember, it all boils down to good salesmanship):

Pro-Life: Ok, you guys don't get to kill anybody. Nope, not even on national holidays. Fetuses, old-people, brain-dead folks, enemy soldiers, convicted mule molesters, terrorists, Amway salesmen, murderers, Tom Cruise, abortion doctors; everyone gets a pass. The quintessential "Thou Shall Not Kill" party. People who are really into punishment (are you listening Texas?) may have trouble adapting here.

Pro-Death: "Kill them all and let God sort them out!" people have found a home. Babies, unhappy Bob with that really bad hangnail, everyone who doesn't look like you, a few that do, that country over there, shoplifters, dogs that piddle on the carpet, and people with allergies could be dispatched quickly and efficiently in this world. No touchy-feely stuff like "choice" or "he's in a better place" for this crowd. These guys could crucify Barney the Dinosaur for a parking ticket.

What do you think??? I say we start choosing up sides now. Come on, this isn't nearly half as ridiculous as the "Pro-Life" whack-a-loon who kills an Abortionist or a nut-job who can say that starving a helpless person to death and rescuing a convicted killer are both the moral high-ground. Line forms over there...

2005-06-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

What is with this cruel, sicko, maniac??

Michael Schiavo: This isn't about you!

Write your book, make your "made-for-TV-movie", do whatever else you have to do to glorify yourself but leave this poor woman's parents and family alone! How on earth can this guy keep sticking it to them and twisting it like this? Christ, you make Scott Petersen look like a model husband! Last I heard he didn't use his wife's headstone to talk about what a swell, promise-keeping fellow he is.

What kind of an a**hole uses his dead wife's grave as a "Neener-Neener-Neener" device against his inlaws. You must be a very angry, depraved little man-boy. By the way, once you are boinking, living-with, and squeezing out children with another woman I'd like to suggest that playing the "caring husband" role is a little weak and more than a little insulting.

While you are busy working on your "Marketing Headstone" might I suggest that you add one line?

November 10, 1984
The day you began living on borrowed time

Enjoy your 15 minutes Mikey, you've certainly earned them.

2005-06-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Let's start off this morning with a little toilet humor. A few days ago, I was leafing through the extraordinary amount of junk mail that is deposited in my mailbox on a daily basis. Flipping past endless pages of Tuna discounts and chiropractic come-ons brought me to the Lowes circular. Now, as an American male, I am unstoppably drawn to anything dealing with the hardware store. Dropping the rest of the mailers I dive into the latest holy book of home enhancement. Upon reaching the plumbing section I was faced with the ad you see on the right.

Now normally it doesn't take much to make a toilet ad funny to the perpetually adolescent brain. Just the mere existence of the ad is enough to cause a smirk, and the phrase "High-Performance Toilets" is enough to cause actual out-loud laughter. But hold on to your Charmin because this is not the funny part!

To the left I have enlarged part of the text of the ad. Read along with me: "Flushes over 24 golf balls" That's right! This sucker will take on 2 dozen of your finest Titlists without missing a beat! (or a flush)

The questions here are as obvious as they are numerous:

Is someone actually sh**ting golf balls, 24 at a time?

If not, are there actually people sitting around thinking, "Bob, if push came to shove, I'm not sure how many golf balls that old hall toilet could take in a single flushing."

Is this some kind of industry-standard measurement of a toilet's bravado? "In the lab, we have a variation of the XP-429 model that will suck down 32 golf balls under optimal conditions. And two 4-irons"

This is just too weird for words; further investigation is necessary. A check of the Lowes website revealed that there are no fewer than 4 pages devoted to dozens of toilets. It was going take forever to get through them, then inspiration seized me! I would search for "golf balls" of the Lowes website! Not a single match. A quick Google of Toilet Golf Balls revealed two websites (here and here) that discuss the testing of toilets with golf balls, so apparently it is a recognized testing procedure. (As an interesting aside, a search of the Titleist website for "Toilets" revealed no matches...they obviously do not realize the tremendous potential that the alternative uses of their products represent).

2005-06-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well, the good news is that my baby-on-the-way no longer looks like a Chicken McNugget. This is a great relief to my wife, and we are now back to picking out toys for the room instead of dipping sauces.

I still have to admit that this picture tells me very little, although the ultrasound lady swears that the baby will have an aptitude for math and blue eyes, according to this picture. Me? I think they're making this stuff up ("Ok, we tell the next one that this blob over here is the pancreas...they'll love that!").

For some reason, I just can't get into the news for the past few weeks. Just isn't holding my attention. Now that I think about it, it must be that the season is over and we are in re-runs. (Michael Jackson chasing kids, Iraq gettin' blown up, etc, etc.) When does the new news season start?

One piece of actual news is that Apple is switching to Intel chips. I have to admit that this is not news in the "normal-people-will-give-a-rat's-a**-about-it" sense, but to the techie-nerd community, this is right between "plunged into darkness" and "locusts as powerful as scorpions" (Revelation 8:12 - 9:5). I imagine that deep in the bowels of Microsoft, Bill Gates is running around with a bottle of champagne, 1/2 naked, drunk with power, squealing "Phase 1 is complete! Phase 1 is complete!"

I guess the other big news would the exposure of Deep Throat. Well, I don't care. What I did think was funny was that despite all the activity on the Internet about Mark Felt, a Google search for "Deep Throat" still brings up the infamous 1972 movie as the 1st link. I have no idea what this means, but it certainly seems wrong, doesn't it?

2005-05-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

I guess there is a new Star Wars movie out? Something like, "Episode 45: The Return of the Attacking Empire of the Jedi Revenging the Phantom Clone Menace" (I admit I am not 100% on the name). I want to care about this, I really do. I've tried to get myself psyched-up for this: "Come on! Last Start Wars movie!" or "Remember how excited you were about the 1st one! (I was 7, wore the T-shirt out before I even saw the movie) maybe "You call yourself a geek? You are bringing shame to the whole nerd community by not rushing to camp overnight to see this movie!" Nothing works. I just don't care. While I'm being honest, I should confess that the last one I even saw in a theater was Jedi. It all fell apart for me after that. Dante Hicks was right: "All Jedi has was a bunch of Muppets." But as a tribute to all you Star Wars fans out there (that don't understand why Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn beats out even The Empire Strikes Back) I give you the Atom Films 2005 Star Wars Fan Film Award Winners (thanks Jessica). I particularly recommend "Anakin Dynamite".

2005-05-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

I received a flier at work the other day inviting me to a protest against the Modesto police department, who is apparently killing people. Now, I enjoy a good protest as much as the next fellow, and was a little taken aback that I was not previously aware of this situation. In a town as famous for crime as we are, I'm amazed that this hasn't garnered more media attention.

Well, since believing any one side of a story is a dangerous habit, I began a little research to see what this case was about. Both sides seem to agree on the main points: 1) It was August of 2004 2) The Modesto police came to the house 3) The Modesto police shot Sammy Gavlan. 4) He's dead.

From that point, the stories break up a little bit: He was carrying a Swiss Army knife, he was carrying a Buck knife, he was just cooking dinner, there were witnesses, there were no witnesses, etc. In cases like this, I believe that only two parties know the real truth:
1) Sammy (I guess we aren't going to get his side of the story)
2) The cops on the scene (who, like it or not, have a certain amount of consequences attached to how they describe the incident).

It's not fair, but it is what it is. What caught my attention most was the story related in a Miami (go figure) article about a recent Earth Day gathering here in Modesto. Apparently Sammy's mother showed up with fliers about the protest, and she was told she could not pass them out by (anyone want to guess here?) the Modesto police. Now say what you want, but if she was passing out fliers to the policeman's ball I'll bet they'd have each taken a handful and helped out. You can read the article here. Having read through all this, I still can't seem to muster an opinion on the actual shooting, but I am more than a little disturbed if the Earth Day situation occurred as it was described. I have to admit that that incident makes me more interested in the protest than the actual event being protested. And no, I will not be able to attend, having an out-of-town appointment at the same time. If you are interested, you can download the flyer here.

2005-05-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

Does any one else remember those Choose your Own Adventure books when we were kids? Well, apparently someone does; they have created a list of "Choose Your Own Adventure Books That Never Quite Made It" that will have you laughing your way toward incontinence. More than a few of them may offend sensitive audiences ("Dude, You're Pretty Much F***ed" was fairly straight forward and to the point), but if you are that sensitive and on this site you are probably hopelessly lost anyway.

Looking for something to do this weekend? MIT is holding a Time Traveler Convention on Saturday. It is billed as the only one ever needed (for an explanation of this, see the link). Those who have already figured out time travel are invited to attend as often as they like. (The argument put forward is painfully similar to the explanation of the existence of the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.) No excuses for absence on this one; if it is what they say it is, there is no reason not to attend at some point in time. (Alright, enough).

2005-04-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

During the delightful activity of cleaning my office yesterday, I found this clipping that I had forgotten to scan. Taken from a local paper (I don't remember which one) I think it provides a revealing look at the local rental market. "Well sure, the used needles all over the yard are annoying, but at least he's not a smoker! I've seen a $300 room for rent, and I am pretty sure you could use one corner as a toilet and not reduce it's livability by much, but who am I to say?

In more recent news, apparently they have finally made an arrest in the murder of Tony "The Ant" Spilotro. You may better remember his as the loveable head-in-a-vice mobster Nicky Santoro (played by Joe Pesci) in the movie Casino. Since he was killed in 1986, I guess they figured it was time. This article even features a photo of the grave in a cornfield (apparently in Indiana, not Kansas).

2005-04-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, I finally got around to watching Fahrenheit 9/11 for the 1st time, and I learned something. I learned that no matter what your politics: liberal or conservative, pro-war or pro-peace, Republican or Democrat, this film demonstrated a single, undeniable fact: Michael Moore has very strong feelings for... Michael Moore. I mean this guy is seriously full of himself. The whole movie is basically him looking down on everything and everyone like a sarcastic, omnipotent presence. I don't even like George Bush and it still got old fast.

It was kind of interesting as a purely entertainment-style look a politically charged situation from very narrow point of view. Apparently his revelations are that:
1) Rich powerful people like money & power and are willing to pull out all the stops to obtain them? (Did he think this concept was breaking new ground?)
2) Rich oil guys hang out with other rich oil guys? (Hard to swallow but I'll work on convincing myself.)

Past this it was a pretty thinly veiled propaganda piece, but kinda fun. After all, who doesn't enjoy a few sophomoric blooper reels, especially of the president? Add some good rubbernecking, blood-and-guts war-footage for a little spice. I guess I'm just disappointed; from all the hype I was expecting this bigger-than-life expose, not just two hours of "I really hate Bush."

2005-04-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well, this one was a little late, but it took awhile to get through the Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time. I started it on the last page so you can work up (C-Net linked to the 1st page right at #1, so there was a little loss of the surprise factor).

They claim to be "Mapping the Rock 'n Roll Genome" by showing how any band in there list is related to any other band in their list (read: 7 degrees of Bacon, etc.) Check out bandtoband.com but remember: they still haven't linked Air Supply to AC/DC, so I remain unimpressed. (Thanks Jessica and congratulations on your pending nuptials!)

2005-04-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

As an educational service, I'd like to provide the picture on the left, proving once and for all where babies come from (Thank you to Judy for the picture).

In other baby-related news, click here to hear our baby-on-the-way's heartbeat (WAV format, 28.1 kb).

2005-03-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

Does NASA have grainy, hard-to-decipher, top-secret photos of a nearby galaxy, housing hostile aliens who are, right at this moment, planning to takeover earth, enslave our brothers and sisters, and destroy our way of life? Is there are massive, "War of the Worlds" scenario that is playing out in the cosmos as we speak? Do they have these pictures in a secret vault in Roswell, New Mexico?

The answer to these questions is undoubtedly yes, but it has nothing to do with these pictures. What these pictures mean is that we are having another baby. Isn't it cute? Ok, realistically it isn't cute yet, this is the stage of development I believe they refer to as the "Chicken McNugget" phase. (Note the label "baby" on the sonogram. In case you were worried that you were going to give birth to a lizard like in the movie "V".) Also note that the sonogram was made by GE, the same company who sold us our broken microwave. Hope they are better with medical equipment then they are with cooking utensils.

So, now that you know what has (again) been keeping me from my website, let's see what links have piled up in my absence...

Ok, I can't remember who sent me this 1st one, but thanks anyway. Take a look at this revolutionary auto theft prevention device (Note: Requires the Quicktime player).

I think this one came off Fark. The best part of it is the matter-of-fact statement that there is a conglomerate called "Buttco" that manufactures most of the world's toilet paper. I could not, by the way, confirm this.

This last link was more interesting than funny. Brainy Quotes was a huge selection of quotes from just about everyone (The link goes to Joseph Stalin's page...his quotes aren't nearly as intimidating now that the Soviet Union is, well, gone.) It was really interesting read the more eccentric characters.

On a more serious note, you can't turn on a radio or go on the Internet without getting bombarded with news of Terri Schiavo and her plight. While I don't know her personally, it seems pretty cruel to starve a person to death if they are otherwise functioning (i.e. not on a respirator, dialysis, etc.) Just my two cents.

The part that is annoying me is the inconsistencies with these people's strong opinions. Supposedly, you have these "Culture of life" folks that are all for life as long as you are an unborn baby or in a coma, but if you are convicted of a capital crime they are salivating with the jumper cables; ready to zap you to a golden brown. The other side isn't any better: knock off Teri, vacuum the babies, but life is sacred if you happen to be the guy that machine guns down a day-care.

Either life is sacred, or it isn't. Quit trying to have it both ways, people!

2005-02-22T14:10:00.000-08:00

Well, the 1st thing in the news is the unfortunate passing of Hunter S. Thompson. I read a few of the articles, but the one I thought was the best written in the San Francisco Chronicle. If you are interested, there is a list of his books here. At the very least, you have to read "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas".

In lighter news, the Guardian has published The 10 Greatest Rock 'n' Roll Myths. Interestingly enough, the whole Mama Cass / ham sandwich story gets debunked but they aren't ready to state that Paul is dead. While we are on nostalgic lists, check out The Top 100 Gadgets of All Time. I have a sneaking suspicion that this person is a bit of an Apple fan. He may also have an unhealthy fascination with the products of Ron Popeil.

I hesitate to bring this next one up, since the Black Helicopters have been buzzing around the house all day, but I am a little suspicious. Is it just a coincidence that shortly after George Bush proclaims we will not be attacking Iran that they suffer a huge earthquake? It would explain why the shuttle hasn't gone back up yet, what with Emperor Bush keeping all the NASA scientists busy working on creating seismic events. Next up: the devastating new volcano in Syria. (Oh sure, I'm paranoid...just wait...)

Is everyone ready for a little cartography? These maps were sent to me by a friend (Thanks Jessica!) back when they would have been relevant (like, right after the election?) They then proceeded to get lost for a few months on my laptop, and are just now making it to the site.
The map on the left represents the US at the time of slavery, with the green states having no slavery, the red states allowing slavery, and the yellow / orange states at least entertaining the idea of slavery. The map on the right is a map of the US following the 2004 election, with the now infamous red & blue state divisions. Interesting pattern, no?

2005-02-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah...I know...I haven't been updating anything, but I have an excuse! I can honestly say that I've been out of the country! More specifically, I've been in the Philippines visiting my wife's family and seeing where she grew up. There are lots of pictures in the Family Pictures section. Feel free to browse the album; meanwhile, back to what is going on around here.

I realize this one is a little late, but I'd hate to end the year (I know, I know) without a visit to Dave Barry's Year in Review. As always, you could have just slept through last year, then read his review, and have missed nothing.

Every once in awhile, a piece of news comes across your screen that fills you with hope, joy, and the feeling that, "Hey, maybe the world will get it's act together after all!" This was one such article. (I am exaggerating a little...if the fine was, say, $10,000, then it would fill me with joy. But, it is a step in the right direction.) Sadly the "wearing-the-wrong-size-pants-like-a-moron" legislation did not pass. I propose that if you cannot dress yourself successfully in the morning, perhaps you should not leave the house? Just a thought.

Here is a useful link for you do-it-yourself types: Ever need a claymore for the office, but don't have time to run down to your local munitions plant or Explosives-R-Us? Why not just build your own "Micro-Claymore" out of ordinary items that you probably have lying around the office? I haven't tried this yet, but I am sooo tempted.

Ok, that takes care of the stuff that I had lying around, waiting to get on to the website. I guess tomorrow I will tackle the news, and see what has happened (things probably got better, right? right? right?)

2004-12-17T13:55:00.000-08:00

Wow, hard to believe that it's been a month since my last post. In my defense, I have opened a new office for my business, Barton Consulting, and this has pretty much taken all of the time not already occupied by the whole eating/sleeping/raising family/looking for shoes stuff. Rest assured I am working toward fixing my priorities.

In the meantime, can you picture not buying a product billed as The World's Only Nuclear Powered Educational Toy? No, neither could I. Plus, you know when it comes from a company like United Nuclear it's got to be good! (Ok, honestly, I don't know that. To be perfectly frank, if we are supposed to be afraid of people bringing toe nail clippers onto a 727, then I can't begin to conceive of how we are supposed to deal with a vendor such as "United Nuclear". Go figure.) The three things you need to know are: 1) It's called a Nuclear Spinthariscope. 2) It contains nuclear material. 3) It's made out of freaking plastic! (Thank you, Tim, for pointing this product out to me. There will always be room in the shelter for you.)

I have often argued when told by women that men are useless. Bad news guys; apparently, it's true. For all of us who wondered about the dangers of stem cell research, apparently this is it. All I can say is that ladies, you will miss us. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or the day after that, probably not during the holiday season, January's pretty busy as well, then you've got spring... whatever! Pretty soon, you'll be sitting there, thinking: "I really miss ole what's-his-name."

One last thing. As I prepare for a long, international flight in January, it is a comfort to know that I may not be denied the familiar sound of some jackass talking on a cell phone. Yes, that one refuge from the cellular world may be taken away from us. Like it wasn't bad enough in restaurants, stores, etc. Weren't cell phones going to make the plan crash or something? Can we get those planes back? OK, I'll make a deal. Leave the cell phone and you can bring your toe nail clippers. Deal?

2004-11-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

Well, the news has been a little bit more than disturbing this morning. Apparently, the Virgin Mary is now appearing on a grilled cheese sandwich, in a plastic container, on eBay. Interesting that as of 8:19 am this morning, the Vatican has as yet to comment on this one. So, I thought it incumbent upon me to investigate this miracle 1st hand, which is how I made this startling discovery:
This may not be the real Virgin Mary
(Take a few moments, settle yourself for the 2nd shocking revelation)

I believe that this luncheon component is in fact the second coming of...the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

I realize that the implications of this are staggering, and will probably change the noon meal forever, but can you look at these photos with your own two eyes and deny the remarkable similarity?

Still you doubt? That's ok, I have additional visual aides. Using the same technology available to NASA (they've probably got a Microsoft Mouse, right?) I have developed this composite photo that clearly proves my point.

Well, at any rate, it looks at least as much like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man as it does the Virgin Mary, which I suppose was my point in the 1st place.

Moooving on...Mr. Putin, put that wall back up! In what I am sure is a yearning nostalgia for the good old days of the cold war, the Soviets (ooops! Jumping the gun a bit there) Russians have developed a new and exciting missile that they claim no one else has. Let me see if I remember how this works. This is the part where George Bush says, "My gosh! We've got to get us one of those!" Well, I for one applaud this move back to simpler times. The Soviets (Ack! Got to watch that) were so much more polite as adversaries than these new-fangled terrorists. Is it time to get under my desk yet?

Everything I've ever thought about AOL was confirmed this morning with the following headline: AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers. Go ahead; read it again, I'll wait. The text of the article seems to point to the idea that may subscribers did not realize they were signing up for a computer service. Best quote? "'I kind of thought it was like subscribing to the yellow pages...We kept getting copies of the phone book, so I thought AOL was doing that. I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season.'" Perhaps those disks can do something to offset the lack of flu vaccine this year.

2004-11-04T12:00:00.000-08:00

Three months already? Ok, new page for the ranting. I went back and removed all the old, outdated links, and couldn't help but follow up a couple of my favorites. Remember the Costco selling caskets story? Well, good news: You can shop online! In particular, I like this snappy little bronze number. A guy could really decompose comfortably in that kind of splendor.

I figure there wasn't much point in re-living any of the election stuff (It's over! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!). I don't even care who won, I am just glad it is over! Ok, one quick funny on this one for the three people who haven't seen it, check out Good to be in D.C. and This Land from JibJab.com. A great way to round out the election.

Anyone interested in designing and building any nuclear facilities, aircraft navigation or communication systems, air traffic control, direct life support machines or weapons systems, and planning to use Windows ME to run it? Think again! Microsoft's License for ME clearly states that this is a bad idea. Quote: "...IS NOT DESIGNED, MANUFACTURED, OR INTENDED FOR USE OR RESALE AS ON-LINE CONTROL EQUIPMENT IN HAZARDOUS ENVIRONMENTS REQUIRING FAIL-SAFE PERFORMANCE, SUCH AS IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL, DIRECT LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES, OR WEAPONS SYSTEMS..." "But Why?" I hear you cry. According to Microsoft, it is because it contains Java. Does this mean that if Windows ME did not contain Java, that it would be a fine and robust system for, say, a nuclear aircraft carrier? I guess so...

2004-10-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

Just have a quick moment this morning, but I thought this was a great quote:

"We cannot simply suspend or restrict civil liberties until the War of Terror is over, because the War on Terror is unlikely ever to be truly over, September 11, 2001, already a day of immeasurable tragedy, cannot be the day liberty perished in this country."

I found this, by Judge Gerald Tjoflat, in a case about searching protesters, but the overall idea is right on.

In one other "sorta-terrorism-related-story," The-Artist-who-is-again-known-as-Prince has proved that he is the most emotionally needy human being on the planet. Next to Michael Jackson. And possibly Mark Geragos. Ok, that's it, my child is waking up, got to go!

2004-10-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been reading about how sides seem to think that anyone who is still an “Undecided voter” has got to be an idiot. I'm not sure that any of these people have actually talked to a so-called "undecided voter". I think if they did they would realize that "undecided voter" is really a poor label; we just don't like either of the two name-brand candidates. Is this really the best we can do??? I obediently watched all three debates (To view them with RealPlayer, courtesy of the Washington Post, click on the 1st Debate, 2nd Debate, 3rd Debate) and could not believe how pathetic these two whack-a-loons were. One of these two is going to become President?

Ok, something has got to change. While I've never really been an advocate of this idea, I think I am going to throw my support behind the idea of loosing this restrictive two-party system. In a county where I can have my choice of 16 variations of cheese in a aerosol can and 324 brands of bottled water (H₂O: Ya got your hydrogen, ya got your oxygen...what am I missing?), you'd think I'd have a few additional choices when it came to the whole “leader of the free world” product. I've always been a little hesitant on this one, there is the argument that you are “throwing away” your vote. Then again, I live in California (sorry...Ca-li-fooor-ni-ahh) so I'm pretty much voting for or against Kerry anyway.

Ok, getting a little excited here: let's see what my new broad spectrum of choices are! In looking at my trusty “County of Stanislaus Presidential General Election Sample Ballot and Voter Information Pamphlet” I see there are four additional flavors to choose from: American Independent Party, Green, Libertarian, and the Peace and Freedom Party. Ok, so now I have six choices. That certainly seems like an improvement; let's take a look at them one by one:

American Independent Party (Michael Anthony Peroutka & Chuck Baldwin) - This group seems interesting:

They are against abortion, but seem to be a little absolute on euthanasia. Anyone who has cared for the aged or infirm understands that nature sometimes knows best when the body (and often spirit) have worn out. Since they claim to be for life, it will be interesting to see where they fall on the death penalty.

They voice concerns about the government exploiting terrorism to dig into our lives (very good).

They seem to favor term limits, and call for part-time state legislature and requiring their pay raises to be approved by the electorate (I'm starting to like these guys!)

Their environment statement seems a little disturbing...I have a feeling that spotted owls are not going to be voting for Mike and Chuck

The water statement is confusing...it seems like they are ok with sending water to cities, against using it for environmental concerns, and for agriculture. I'm not sure that Ag has enough in this scenario, but I'll read on.

Hmmm...eliminate the federal debt by just blowing it off...ya got to like the way these people think. They do make a good point about the expense of interest, but I have to wonder about just deciding the debt no longer exists. Maybe I'm reading this one wrong.

"Weasel" is a word you don't usually find in a political party platform, but they got it in there. Good work! Seriously, they have a well put together statement on the budgeting concept.

No federal income tax? You should probably read this one yourself, but their idea seems to be to move the tax burden to imports, states, and corporations. Interesting premise.

They strongly support unions (good and bad). Good in that the working people of America are not all yet at a place where we can trust that they will be treated fairly, but not-so-good when you consider the abuses that a too-strong union can exact on the populace in the name of pressuring their employer (i.e. cops, nurses, etc. who hold their communities hostage for a pay raise or an extra vacation day).

If you live in rent-controlled housing, this may not be the party for you. Since I own my home, I guess I'll keep reading.

They have possibly the best-written statement on welfare I have ever read: "Welfare is primarily the responsibility of family, church, and charitable organizations. The American Independent Party is sensitive to the needs of America's aged, blind, and disabled citizens, and fully supports state and local programs to enable these citizens to live in dignity and economic security." Sounds like what I have always understood: If everyone works hard for themselves, their families, and their communities, the remaining people who are truly needy will not be an unbearable burden.

The health care statement is a little tough to figure out. I do like the: "We oppose compulsory mass medication in any form" statement. Not sure where they were going with it, but it is an interesting concern. (Prozac in the water? Birth control for country music performers? Where are we going with this one?) They don't seem impressed with government-run healthcare plans (neither am I), but I don't think that they are adequately addressing the potential for ruthlessness in private insurance utilization review. Also, they seem to have adopted the AIDS page from the Ronald Regan playbook, kinda scary.

They come out against both Marxism and Nazism. No flip flopping there, I tell you!

I've got to admit, I had no idea how long this was going to take.

When you read through the crime protection and gun control sections, there is a creepy David Koresh vibe going on that is a little unsettling. I think I liked them better when they were banning taxes.

How about reconfirming Supreme Court Judges every 4 years? Actually, I kinda like that one. Also, requiring elections for Federal Judges at the District Court level.

Well, drugs are still out.

Their "Law and Morality" section is on pretty shaky grounds on the free-speech idea, but the religion one seems like a reasonable approach.

The Elections platform seems to open up the playing field to third parties a little bit, but they too are up in arms about touch-screen voting. People, if you can't deal with technology, go live in a cave. (Then again, if you can't deal with technology, you are probably not reading this).

Ok, Foreign Policy - Terrorism looks good except, as I predicted, they are rolling out the capital punishment idea. As I read on, foreign policy in general seems pretty reasonable, including a policy on undeclared wars. I particularly like the quote: "We are opposed to any recognition of the Castro Communist government in Cuba."

They are more than a little anti-immigration.

Holy crap that was long. I have obviously miscalculated the amount of time this comparison is going to take. Let's pick this back up again tomorrow.

2004-10-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

I am back from a weekend of camping, so I have no idea what happened in the news. Couldn't tell you. Not a clue. So, on to trivial crap!

Remember the jet-powered wheelchair guy? Well, I think he's met his match: meet the jet-powered shopping cart guy! I can't help but notice that while these are both from different news sources, they both occurred in the UK. What, do these people just have surplus jet engines laying around like engine blocks in junk yards? I can't begin to think where I might come up with a "spare" jet engine. These people seem to have them coming out of their butts!

Now that I think about it, that's probably the next logical step... ;)

2004-10-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

How did we get anything done before the invention of the French? Poverty is easy to solve: just tax the whole world. Yep, an international tax. Everybody get out your 1040WFW (Whole Flippin' World), send Jacques your spare money and poverty as we know it will disappear. It could work, look at the success we've had here in the United States with the redistribution of wealth. It's not like you see a bunch of people standing around, offering to work for food....ahhh, nevermind!

Anyway, as I read through the article, it seems that they want to tax weapon sales to pay for poverty. Ok, now it's getting a little interesting: you've are basically putting this on the shoulders of NRA members...hmmm...this one could go either way with me ;) . Of course, it makes me wonder if Jacques Chirac has really thought this one through. "Why sure! All those gun owners are probably just as excited as we are about this!" Don't worry, they probably are.

And now, a little follow up to the Atkins plan to stage mass Twinkiecide: They are starting with your children. I am not making this up: Atkins is invading the public schools. Before long, the guy in the trench coat in the alley behind the playground is going to be going, "Psst! Kid, you lookin' for Twinkies? I got what you need: Ho-Ho's, Zingers, I can take care of you." All because of Atkins. Well, since school lunch is going to suck anyway, you might as well get class credit for it. Granted, this is happening in Berkley, so people probably aren't taking it really seriously.

My last article is included mostly because I can't stop giggling at the phrase: Security Blimp. Don't know why, just cracks me up.

Of course, this airship brought to you by the Department of Homeland Security. It looks pretty big to be a blimp, but if they called it a "Security Zeppelin" then they'd have to change the name to "Fatherland Security." (Ooooooo...ok, in poor taste, but I'm working on a point here!) Am I the only one who thinks all the security and paranoia is getting a little creepy? Isn't the great thing about America supposed to be not having to worry about that blimp looking over your shoulder? I'm willing to take my chances with the terrorists, but living under the blimp is not going to work out. But the rest of America seems to be a little too worried about counting carbs to notice John Ashcroft's Hindenburg-o-Security a plowin' over the American way of life. Pity, I rather liked the way things were. And pasta.

2004-09-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that no one has but these two photos together yet! No, you are not looking a set of mug shots from a trailer park (although one of them is a mug shot), this is celebrity actress Cybill Shepherd and celebrity actor Macaulay Culkin. I see these two as the perfect couple, sort of a double-wide version of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.

Ok, no idea where that last idea came from, just had to do something with those two wonderful pictures.

You understand, don't you?
Onward! THE ATKINS BASTARDS ARE KILLING TWINKIES! Now, as a Gravitationally-Challenged Vegetarian-American, I have taken this whole low-carb thing in stride. It looks really gross to me, but hey, it seems to help people. But now they've gone too far! Why mess with an American institution like Twinkies! Also, this morning I heard on the news that Atkins is trying to get into the school lunch programs. Sure, hook 'em while they're young! Bunch of cow-chomping, egg-slurping savages in my book. I wonder if there is a link between the Atkins people and terrorism...maybe that's how Usama bin Laden got his kidney problems...hmm...too much protein.

2004-09-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

Sure, everyone talks about the importance of using only Certified Automotive Air Conditioning Installers, but is anyone really doing anything about it? Ok, so it is probably tasteless to uses hurricane photos to make a joke, but you have to admit that is a really amazing photo. But, in the interest of public happiness, no more tasteless stories.

In the not-as-tasteless-news category, Governor Schwarzenegger has outlawed sex with corpses. I am very curious, since this is only a state law, to know which states still are ok with this?? I'm not one for over-regulation of anything, but how did this one slip by? What kind of a country is this? Next thing you know, Goofy is going to start roughing up Disneyland visitors. I love this: His lawyer said the man was just "goofing around because he was Goofy." An interesting side note to this story, the same guy was accused of fondling children, dressed as Tigger. I think the old Disneyland HR department could use a good going over: "Ok, since you are fondling little kids, you don't get to be Tigger anymore. But if you screw up as Goofy, then back to "It's a Small World" you go!" I guess Tiggers aren't as wonderful as the song would have us believe.

Here's a nice little controversy brewing: Michigan is planning to drug test welfare recipients. I am ok with this; in fact to me it makes perfect sense. The original law was struck down because they decided if violated the 4th Amendment (Search and Seizure). Amazing. They can take my money, and give it to people to buy drugs. Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem if people want to do drugs. Knock yourself out, and have a good time. I think that you should be able to do whatever you want as long as you aren't hurting me, anyone I like, or any truly innocent person. If drugs are a problem for you, I'm the 1st one to advocate that you have the help you need to get things together again. But if you are accepting government (or any other kind of assistance) to live, then you have no right to spend it on anything but food, modest shelter, and getting back on your feet. No drugs, no cable TV, no dining out, ect.

Ok, I'm the 1st to admit that this sounds pretty harsh, but there is a real problem here. We aren't helping someone by letting them live well if they don't want to work like the rest of us. I'm not saying you have to go take over the business world, and topple Bill Gates. You do, however, have to be ready to live with the consequences of your actions. Don't want to go to school or whatever to get a high-paying job? Ok by me, but then you don't get the Cadillac Escalade, the ocean front home, and the giant bucket of recreational chemicals. Sorry.

2004-09-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't this be the coolest phone ever? I have to admit that I fell for this one, and actually went looking on the Internet for other articles about this phone (at the very bottom there is an April Fools note). I'm still wallowing in disappointment. Speaking of Wally (ok, that was a really crappy transition, I admit it) my hero strikes again!

If there is an award for "way too much time on his hands," I would like to nominate The Brick Testament. Don't get me wrong, I'd also nominate them for "Most Original Use of Legos in a Biblical Epic" but I can't get over the amount of time involved here.

Let me check in on the election: It's just getting worse and worse, isn't it? I have a proposal: If Bush and Kerry both admit that they manipulated their service in the late 60's and early 70's to further their own interests (Kerry: Looking good for later office, Bush: Staying alive) then we will all collectively blow off this ridiculous nostalgia for a truly dark chapter in America's history. Agreed? The only thing this is proving is that both of these morons have had the same consistent priorities throughout their lives: self-interest.

Remember back when statesmen could have duels? If we bring back both that and the assault weapons thingy, we could solve the whole problem at one shot (sorry, bad pun). Well, maybe not: rumor has it neither one has a lot of valid military experience, someone would probably have to help them shoot each other. Hmmm...Cheney's probably an NRA member, throw him in the mix. They could have a practice session with Nader and Edwards!

2004-09-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

In an effort to fight the dramatic drop in frog publicity foisted upon us by an anti-amphibian media, I bring you 10 things you never knew about frogs (I never knew how persuasive the amphibian lobby was until they showed up at my doorstep at 2:00 am last night). Speaking of useless trivia, everyone knows that Clinton had heart surgery, but did you know that the surgeon of 1st choice preferred to make his golf tee time rather than operate on Clinton? I have no idea what to make of that, or who should be offended, but I did think it was interesting.

Reading through, I found a great quote from President Vladimir Putin, who, when asked why he would not negotiate with his own terrorists, answered with sarcasm: Why don't you meet Usama bin Laden, invite him...to the White House and engage in talks, ask him what he wants and give it to him so he leaves you in peace? I thought that was a pretty good answer: can we vote for this guy instead of the whack-a-loons we've got running?

More fun facts: 1) The Doobie Brothers are still touring 2) There are only two actual original members left 3) They played Modesto 4) They charged $55 a ticket 5) They sold over 3,000 tickets. So basically, two guys who were in a good band that had their last hit in 1989 show up and 3,000+ people are willing to pay $55.00 each to see them. This says more about the Central Valley of California than anything else I could even make up. ;)

Another headline: Israeli spy satellite crashes on liftoff. Hmmm...so much for the sneaky part of being a spy satellite, huh?

Finishing out the news, it is going to be (shudder) 102 degrees today. I have got to move soon.

I did get a letter back today from the magazine that I wrote to back on the 1st. While I was prepared to amuse myself arguing the point for at least a few volleys, I was pleasantly surprised by a very friendly letter inviting me to keep the video at no cost. Rats, all worked up for nothing. ;)

2004-09-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Now this is exciting. I think we all know the biggest problem with wheel chairs: speed. Sure, they are motorized, and they will get you from point A to point B, but you never hear anyone say, "My Gosh we are running late! Quick Bob, let's take the wheelchair!" Luckily, we have Giuseppe Cannella to the rescue. He has built a jet-powered wheelchair for his mother-in-law. Enough said, I just can't think of anything to add to this that would make it weirder.

On a totally different subject, this really ticks me off: a magazine that I subscribe to, that will remain nameless had sent me a package. I open it, and it is a video. Apparently, I can purchase it, or send it back. One little detail: I didn't order it! Apparently, their crack psychic team decided that I wanted this, and sent it out. I get nervous on eBay; I am definitely not ready for the Transcendental Shopping Network. The part that steams me is the assumption that I have nothing better to do with my day then ship erroneous packages around for this company. So, I have written them back with my terms of return:

Hi:

I received your video in the mail today, and I have some sad news: your psychics were wrong; I am not interested in purchasing videos from you. While I do enjoy your magazine, I feel you have taken an inappropriate liberty by sending unsolicited products to my home. However, since I do enjoy your magazine, I would like to give you the opportunity to set things right, so here is my offer:

Normally, I bill $50 to $60 per hour for my time. So far, this misguided package has consumed about 1/2 hour of my time. At my least expensive rate (I do wish to be reasonable) that would be $25. While you have been kind enough to send return postage, I also have a handling fee of $9.95 for unsolicited packages. This brings the total to $34.95. But, since I like you, so I am going to make you an offer you can't turn down. Are you ready?

First of all, what would you expect to pay for quality package return in a major retail store? $100? $275? Well, today and only today, crazy Nik is slashing prices on product returns. Forget $100! Don't even consider $275! As a matter of fact, I am prepared to ignore my pleading accountant's anguished cries and return this video for a mere $7.00 handling charge! Please make the check payable to Nik Barton.

Thank you in advance, and let me say again how much I enjoy your magazine!

Nik Barton

I just can't wait to see how this one is going to turn out.

2004-08-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

Since I recently left a job where I routinely had to assign people passwords, and was in charge of network security, I had to laugh at this article. If it wasn't a story that took place in England, I would have sworn they did their interviewing at my old job. ;)

Since I know that you are always on the lookout for a good investment, I wanted to make sure that everyone was aware of this time travel investment fund (thanks Tim!). And when I think of all that hard-earned money that I've been throwing away at that 401k scheme! This is, quite literally, the retirement of the future!

I miss the cold war, don't you? It just had a lot more pizzazz than this whole "Ware! We are on terror alert Warp 7!" crap that passes for conflict in 2004. These days, you can't get a Russian leader to even gesture with footwear, much less pound the veneer off a pulpit with his shoe. In honor of the days of hiding under your desk to survive a nuclear blast, the Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine is proud to present The Nuclear War Survival Skills Handbook, Updated and Expanded 1987 Edition. And while I am on this subject, what the hell were those desks made out of anyway? They were going to save us from a nuclear blast, but you could carve your initials in it with a pencil. Technology never ceases to amaze me... Anyway, the fun-seekers at the ole O.I.S.M. up there in Cave Junction, Oregon (No, I am not making this up) have gone out of there way to make available, online, what looks a lot like an old civil defense manual. A good, laugh-a-minute romp through the joys of living underground and drinking your own urine. (Am I making that part up? You'll have to read it to find out!)

Turning toward current events, I see that the latest Microsoft release will be late. I have trouble believing that that is actually news, but since I avoid headlines that contain the words "election", "Olympics", or "Iraq" I have a rather limited selection of stories to choose from.

2004-08-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

Best Quote from an Article on the Petersen case? Case has all the juicy stuff. Makes you proud to be a citizen of Modesto, doesn't it?

Since I'm on weirdness this morning, picture this one: a face off between the orange-vested Cal-Trans folks and a bunch of shrub-lovin' Druids! (No it isn't happening in Modesto). Apparently, they want to build a tunnel near Stonehenge and several groups, including some druids (do we even have druids in Modesto?) think that digging such a hole would violate the earth. They are pretty serious about it:
"'If the government is talking about building this tunnel next summer it wouldn't surprise me if people were right now preparing to stand in front of bulldozers,' said Chris Woodford of the Save Stonehenge group."
Sounds like we are going to find out what happens when a bulldozer violates a druid. Pay-per-view anyone?

Anyone else hate Costco? I do. But I can't wait for this one...ready? Costco is going to sell caskets! Yes, you will be able to stroll through a throng of 62 gazillion people and pick out your final resting apartment. Better get some friends together, though: I'm guessing you have to pick them up in a four-pack or something (Druid not included).

Speaking of druids (how long can I keep this going?), this marks the 30 year anniversary of D&D (Dungeons and Dragons). As I look back on the weeks and weeks at a time I played this game, I have to wonder: How in the world did I have that much free time? I specifically remember these games going on for days at a time? Didn't I have to go to work or school or something? My memory from that time is a little hazy, but I remember one thing: No one ever wanted to be a druid. (I hope they don't have a Union or something.)

I've been trying to get up the energy to do a political thing for a few days, but I just can't. Both of these whack-a-loons just keep getting worse and worse. I see a day in the not-to-distant future when Bush and Kerry will have been reduced to calling each other poopy-head and making fart jokes. So I just can't do this one today. Maybe tomorrow.

2004-08-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

Do you need a vacation? Tired of ho-hum resorts and tropical islands? Are you ready for a change? How about touring Iraq? Apparently, there are now tour agents putting together Iraq vacation packages. Think Halliburton is wondering how they didn't think of this one 1st?

2004-08-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

It is Friday the 13th and I have to go to Wal*Mart. Who knows if I am coming back? So, I figured I would write this morning. As much as I make it a policy to ignore anything with the words "Iraq" and "Scott / Laci Peterson" in the headlines, the Scott Peterson thing is unavoidable since I live in Modesto. It has been reported that this guy was a fertilizer salesman. If his conversations with his girlfriend Amber Frey are any indication, he must not have been very good at his job, because I don't think anyone (except maybe Ms. Frey) would buy this line of bulls**t.

This one I thought was great: Apparently, the Google-guys sat for an interview with Playboy. Now IPO analysts say the article could raise concerns with the Securities and Exchange Commission that Google has violated its mandatory "quiet period." Am I the only one wondering how many people will rush out to buy a copy of Playboy and immediately tear it open to read about hot, sweaty, erotic, IPO action? Trust me boys, you could probably safely publish the Colonel's secret recipe and Bush's Iraq exit strategy in Playboy and still have them remain secrets. (Wow...did I just do Iraq and Scott Peterson on the same day? Must be Friday the 14th.)

Another thing to make me happy: cell phone viruses. Hope they also give you a rash.

Oh, before I forget! I had to go buy diapers yesterday. They have like 6 gazillion types, so I am trying to figure out which one to get when I find (ready?) "Baby-shaped" diapers. As opposed to Kangaroo-shaped, I imagine.

Back to the news, I want this guy stealing cars in my neighborhood. If you are a car thief, apprehended on foot, it pretty much guarantees that something went really wrong, doesn't it?

2004-08-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

Anyone out there ever gone through teething with a baby? (Read: Sleep? Who needs it!) So, I will read the news during her 2 1/2 minute nap. Own a cell phone? Read yesterday’s and today's Dilbert strips.

Now that we have a little levity out of the way, I need to hit upon a serious threat to our way of life: Terrorist Pets. I am not making this up, read this. What is next? A hamster Jihad? Suicide Gerbils? Doghouse bombings. It will all end in tears. (No official word on this, but rumor has it that the cat had a toenail clipper hidden in his laptop.)

Just a few weeks ago I was reading an article about Chernobyl, and how it was unusable. Apparently, this was not entirely true as it seems to have no ill effects for zombies. Good to hear it, I can't tell you how unfairly we’ve treated zombies in the past, and we owe them.

On a more serious note, I want to thank everyone for their outpouring of support for Charley's friends and family. Your stories, photos, and well-wishes are very appreciated.

2004-08-09T12:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't had time to write for a few days. On Wednesday the 4th, one of my best friends passed away from injuries sustained during a motorcycle accident the day before. I am still working on what I need to say, but we've started a memorial here to celebrate his life.

2004-08-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

John Kerry John Kerry Has everyone seen that picture of John Kerry in the "bunny suit" that NASA published? I didn't really see what the whole big deal was, but I thought that the picture looked familiar. It's been bugging me for a few days, then it suddenly hit me...He looks like Woody Allen in that movie where he is dressed up as a giant sperm!

I immediately rushed to Google to score the appropriate pictures, only to discover that I was not the only person to come up with this idea. But, here are the pictures for comparison. Now that you have these pictures, try and imagine George Bush as a giant ovary...

2004-07-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday July 31st, 2004
Ok, those of you who are not I.T. workers, skip to the next paragraph. For those who are check this out today. Don't you wish we could say that?

Onward, this was pretty neat: Ever wonder which one of the Simpsons you would be? Take this personality quiz and find out (I ended up being Marge...I'm a little disturbed by that). In other news, think quickly: Why on earth would your union picket a cemetery during a funeral? An interesting side note is that the dead guy, who had nothing to do with the strike, happened to be a union member. What a waste of resources. They could have propped him up with a sign! Now that would have gotten someone’s attention!

In what is apparently Modesto's only news story, local celebrity Scott Peterson, it was revealed today that I may be paying for Garagos to defend this whack-a-loon. All right, this is just about enough. Now I have to pay Garagos to defend this Emmy award winner? Somehow, I don't see what I am getting for the money. Maybe if they put the trial on Pay-per-view, then they could pay him. Handsomely, I am sure. And think how happy this would make the sick ghouls who don't want to miss a moment of the exciting action! Gee...with all this going on, I almost miss Gary Condit ;)

2004-07-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I am back from camping, and the world doesn't seem to have changed much. I did go into sort of a weird news withdrawal. Don't miss Dilbert today. In other good news, it is only a matter of time before they can clone me. Better start placing your orders today.

I come home from camping, and the 1st political article that catches my eye reads, "Teresa Heinz Kerry told a reporter to 'shove it'." So not everyone worked everything out while I was gone?

Even weirder, PETA has come up with a new campaign that you just have to love. I do wonder why they picked Boise, ID?

2004-07-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, now I don't care about Martha Stewart, not even a little bit. But I when I read this line from her post-sentencing interview, I had to wonder:

When asked how she would handle prison food, fellow inmates and strip searches, she said...

"I could do it … I'm a really good camper."

Where the hell does she go camping?!?!?! I mean, roughing it is one thing, but I don't remember strip searches ever being a part of camping! Maybe I'm just going to the wrong kind of campground. Do you pay extra for this? Maybe they have this at the "Full-hookups" sites. I've got to start paying more attention.

As if the idea of a Martha Stewart strip search wasn't bad enough, the Earth is about to engage in a vigorous bout of pole-swapping. The article doesn't mention a link to the Atkin's diet, but it is at least suspicious. After all that excitement, the last story of the day is an interview with The Dead.

2004-07-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm confused. We are afraid that the bad guys are going to try to disrupt our election, so we are making plans to disrupt the election? When did we start helping terrorists to achieve their goals? We might as well be sending Al Qaeda aid money at this point. Am I the only person who thinks that working so hard to keep the terrorists on the news and in our hearts is helping them? Consider how ineffective creating terror is if no one knows about it. Without terrorized people, you aren't a very effective terrorist anymore. You are just a really well armed guy with very few friends an a bunch of spare heads. But instead, these terrorists know that have a whole continent over here, nicely terrorized, still blubbering over the World Trade Center, and putting flag stickers next to their Dale Earnhardt stickers on the back of their SUV's to ward off the bad guys (Just think if Al Qaeda had killed Earnhardt...we would have probably surrendered, so I guess luck was with us on that one).

I have an idea. Since we as a nation are so turned on and charged up by watching terrorism, I think others should take advantage of it. If you want free air time on CNN, I suggest go behead someone (candidates, are you listening?) If (just an example) a major political player like, say, Ralph Nader, decided to behead his running mate, think how much free news coverage he would get! The mental picture alone is priceless ("If I am not on the ballot in every state by Tuesday at 6:00pm...").

Back to postponing the election: here is idea number two. Maybe (just maybe) it is something more sinister: Postponing (suspending?) the election in the interest of "national security." Hmm...I think history might have something to tell us here. Maybe this is Bush's way of declaring himself President-for-life? Emperor George? Whoa! This is starting to get really creepy.

2004-07-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

Can you believe the Godfather is gone?

Here are a few of the articles and obituaries from CNN, Fox News (has a cool section of quotes from him, in addition to filmography and photos), San Francisco Chronicle, and USA Today. Also, there are quite a few Brando film clips at Reel Classics.

I also removed Michael Savage's website from my list. Between his perpetual guest hosts and the continual self-promotion of his book, he just wasn't interesting anymore.

Same old bickering and whining on the political front today. There was one interesting article, about another 3rd world nation requesting UN observers for their election. This time, it is, however, a downtrodden nation much closer to all of us. Take a look.

2004-07-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who saw this picture and thought, "Are you talking to me?"

Anyway, on to other stories that I read today. I thought this article about Chernobyl from the perspective of a motorcyclist that rides through it routinely was interesting.

Not to kick a guy when he's down (way down), but after all the hoopla about the death of President Reagan, I thought the Onion had an article that put it all in perspective.

2004-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

You know it is going to be a good day when you read an article that includes the phrase significant damage to her buttocks and right hand. I am so proud to be a citizen of the same city as Gary Condit, Scott Peterson, and this genius.

I don't know much about Michael Moore, but with as much as he is thrusting himself in the news, I think it's interesting that he is registered to vote in two states when the rest of us only get to vote once.

2004-05-27T12:00:00.000-07:00

Wally appears to have found the secret to happiness in Dilbert this morning. Also, found a note on Fark warning of killer swans. I'd been worried this was going to happen. Not as worried, however, as I was that Gary Condit, Modesto celebrity, would be back into the news. I didn't know he was in Return of the Killer Tomatoes, but Smoking Gun did.

2004-05-22T12:00:00.000-07:00

Getting through the news this morning: Dilbert was pretty good today, other than that, people are getting blown up and gas is still expensive. NPR had a neat story on one of the original actors in "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" (I believe he was "the ugly").

I had a political idea: If you went out to lunch with John Kerry, he would spent 45 minutes trying to figure out what to have, then ask you what you were having, then order that. Before the meal came, he would probably change tables and explain to his new dining partner how he didn't like what he just ordered. When the food arrived, he would firmly state that he never ordered that.

If you went out to lunch with George Bush, he would probably ask you what you wanted, then order something else for you. He would also go through your backpack when you left to go to the bathroom. When the food got there, he would tell you how good it was, but probably wouldn't let you have any.
I'm having trouble figuring out which of these situations is better or worse. Maybe they could run as co-presidents? It would be fun to watch. If not, could they get married in Massachusetts and both run as 1st ladies?

Ok, if they do that, then I'll vote for them. But then I don't think I could recieve communion anymore. This is all getting really confusing. I think I'll go lie down.

Ok, I had to make a few changes. Originally this was divided into two sections, Politics and News. Since these were two different flavors of the same disjointed rambling, I decided to put them together for ease of reading (ok, I am a liar: I decided to but them together for ease of writing. Sue me.)

Just so you know what you are getting into. Politically, I am neither a Republican nor Democrat (what would be the point - they aren't even different anymore). I would advocate revolution if I didn't think we'd screw it up completely. (What if we threw a revolution and everyone stayed home...) On the non-political side, I dislike most things about society, as does my cat. We are quite the pair to be reconed with.

This leaves me as a lone nutball ranting and raving like a total whack-a-loon to anyone who will listen. (Note: This is exactly what my vocational guidence counselor said would happen, so I like to think of myself as bing "right on track with my goals.") It's a fun place to be, and I encourage you to visit often.